A Change of Heart
“I’d rather do a funeral any day than a wedding.”
Plenty of clergy say that. I used to be one of them.
The logic for this sentiment centers mainly around the difficulty/impossibility of getting the various actors in any wedding ceremony to understand that it is NOT a “ceremony,” but rather, an act of worship. Clergy know we’re often seen as bit players in all of the hullabaloo which constitutes a wedding weekend — from rehearsal through reception, and frankly, we can get cranky about it.
We often have to remind people of basic etiquette within sacred space. We have to counsel the wedding party to be more about the wedding than partying (particularly in Wisconsin in the hours leading up to the service itself). We have to accept that there are lots of times when we are viewed as the hired help in the overall production that is a wedding in 21st century America. Admittedly I’ve officiated at my share of weddings which have left me feeling more than a little agitated and/or used, in spite of my inherent ability to project a cheerful affect to conceal my aggravation.
But something has changed.
I don’t know if it has to do with getting older and less uptight, or if I’ve simply had a run of good weddings. Whatever the reason, I find myself deeply appreciative that in a day and age when folks are opting to have their friends “get ordained” on the internet for a few bucks so their service can be “more personalized,” I’m even asked to lead the couple, their family and friends through a rite which is formal, reverent and overtly Christian.
Tonight, I’m in Stoughton, Wisconsin (just south of Madison). I’m here to officiate at tomorrow’s marriage of Sam and Kelly. I’ve known Sam since 2005 when he and his family started attending Trinity Church. He was probably 11 years old. I prepared him for confirmation. I pronounced a blessing over him as he graduated from high school. I greeted him every Christmas and Easter when he’d come back home and attend services with his parents. He is marrying his high school sweetheart. They’ve been “a couple” for ten years already! To be around them is to witness care and friendship and love which goes beyond their years. Preparing these two wonderful people for marriage has been a great privilege. To officiate at their wedding will be a great joy.
My clergy friends who’ve been at this work for longer than I have all say some of the most meaningful parts of ordained ministry involve being invited into the lives of the people we serve at times of transition. Some of those transitions are joyful — baptisms, confirmations, marriages. Some of those transitions are painful — illness, divorce, death. But to be invited to share these sorts of tender moments is a holy thing.
The longer I’m at this work, the more grateful I am to be invited. I’m particularly grateful tonight for Sam and Kelly and the love they share. Their love spills out onto all those who know them. May they be blessed in their life together. As I stood around at the rehearsal dinner tonight, and watched them interact with their family and friends, I saw embodied joy, and it did my heart good. And a good heart is a changed heart. Thanks be to God.
